After Sunday it's Monday Mornings

So, here I sit, in an uncomfortable chair that doesn’t sit up quite high enough at a useless desk. Alone in an apartment that I will be packing up this week. Hard to believe it’s already been a year since I moved to this city and even harder to believe I’m already abandoning unit 6305. What a year this has proven to be. More importantly, I don’t know why I am finally sitting down to tell you, whoever you are, about it. Truth be told, I’m pissed. The chances that I am going to offend somebody before this is said and done are 100 percent. I don’t care. Nothing I will say here will be profound so don’t waste your time waiting for this motivational moment between some odd hundred number of words. Because I am not a writer and I don’t know how to make things sound beautiful and colorful. I just know how to say how I feel through Microsoft word and a blank page. Which now brings me to a stalled cursor and a lot of blinking because I am not sure where or how to start but here goes nothing.

I didn’t end up in California where the skies are always colors of the horizon and the promise of sunshine is inevitable. I didn’t enter fashion school, I don’t have my own line of clothing, and I’m not walking distance from waves crashing into the west coast shore. Turns out L.A. could chew me up and spit me out like a bad habit. Or possibly, I’m just not California material. Either way, I’m still in Arkansas, more centrally located but I’m still here. I moved to Little Rock on a whim and a bad decision. My friends were doing it, I was stuck in an in between, so I just followed the crowd. Which if that has taught me anything it is that the crowd will take off and leave you in a hot minute at first opportunity. No one cares if you got a place with them so they will not have to live with their boyfriend when they aren’t ready. People are mean, if you get something like a good job before they do and they do not think you deserve it because you aren’t as qualified as they feel they are, even your best friend will say the most unfavorable things about you. From what I understand if you have a voice and a dream you must be from shithole town with nothing to offer. Which might be right but it is where I call home with some of the best memories, some of the worst, with a few of the most down home people in the tri-state area.

A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. Sure this is a tale as old as time and cliché as Paris Hilton and toy dogs but hey, don’t shoot the messenger. It’s the same old story back where I call home, I don’t have to go there to know that either thanks to every Dick and Jane figuring out how to use facebook and post their life story. But my relationships with them have changed and I have changed. There really is good in goodbye, I am closer and more honest with my family, I am disconnected from all that other stupid small town he said she said. Well, sort of. In the way that I am not any longer a part of the home gossip but truth be told stupid shit like that will find you anywhere. In this one year I have been devastated, defeated, tripped down, and damn near knocked out. Before you know it, you will be hanging between on by a thread and off the edge of the main street bridge, metaphorically speaking.

Routine has almost been the death of me. I loathe it. Everything about it, everything it stands for. It keeps me tired, stressed, worried, and sick. Maybe I am just in the wrong place. I wish I could truly put into words what all of that means but it could end up being a costly mistake. What I will do is tell you that I was so eager to start living out this American dream that I made some decisions that have left with me little to no choice in certain matters now. I wanted to prove so many people wrong and I did but what they don’t and never will know is how much it has hurt me to no avail. I have to had to learn some of the hardest lessons and take some of the biggest blows all from being this little girl with a big dream. I am SO done with it. I don’t care what people think anymore, I don’t need judgment or opinions, only support and if you don’t have that, then hit the road with your two cents. This is not a cry for sympathy and if you’re wondering why I have been almost rude to a degree it’s like I said before, I’m pissed. I am not cruel yet been subjected to some of the most downright cruelty I think can be served up. What I thought would be climb to the top turned into early mornings fighting traffic jams and an elevator ride to mediocre.

With that out of my system, I am in love. Really truly deeply madly in love with someone who makes me a better person, more patient, less vengeful, not so cynical. Someone who does not deserve to take the back end of all said above but does because he also loves me. I didn’t need California or a sunset to find peace, just a willingness to open my heart up to a boy who wants to hear about the day and wants to take care of me when I feel like I can’t take care of myself. Which lately has been more often than not. Somebody I would not have met if I had not moved so there is a reason for everything.

I don’t know I’ve come here to leave you with something as mindless as this. It’s really a whole lot of nothing but some bottled feelings in a nutshell. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it more than that. That it wasn’t pretty and powerful or inspiring. But I am , right now, uninspired. I am planning on making changes sooner rather than later that will change all of that. Because things I used to love, I don’t. Things I used to care about lost meaning. Days I once lived for have become days I dread. But with a few tweaks and my boyfriend by my side, I will prevail once again. For those of you interested, I promise to keep you updated, to blog more, to be most honest..stay tuned!

This is going to be epic.