Something About The Sunset on Sunday
Some people fight for your life. Some people will fight for your death. It's been a while since I could find words that would flow freely out of my mind enough to stream out of my mouth or through my fingertips . Nothing that made enough sense to put on paper. Surely, I had lost my inspiration and I was beginning to feel undoubtedly certain it was taking a permanent vacation. I never considered it writer's block, I don't know that I would proclaim myself an author of any sort. It was just gone, easy as those four words are to read, it left me. Willingly, at least. I can't tell you what happened. I just know when. It had been a long time coming and in the spring of last year, the loss of everything I knew settled in. When it came crashing down on me, I was sitting in a chair draped with a soft green covering, staring off at a bronze casket topped with pure white flowers of familiar breeds. In the background light music was sounding off and the lyrics to Go Rest High on that Mountain were suddenly sinking in. I couldn't wrap my mind around death and how final it would prove to be, how defining that moment is. In minutes, two grave diggers parked off to the side waiting patiently for the services to end would be lowering my mother into the ground, dropping dirt onto those delicate roses and lillies my brother and I had so carefully chosen. I didn't have the energy to fight back tears. Take that back, I didn't even have the energy to sob anymore. I guess you might would say that's when I became lazy, easily letting go of the passion that burned inside, losing it. The insipiration to change the world with words simply vanished.
I've spent most of the past year trying to recover. I found comfort in just disappearing or sleeping days away. The problem with that is I was labeled depressed. Some people started shoving one liners in my ears. "I'm here for you", "Is there anything I can do", the list goes on. Others wanted me to see doctors to consider taking an anti depressant. Well, suck on my big toe, because I was not depressed. Clearly I have been hurt by the loss of the woman who gave me life. Not being able to hear her voice was painful, it still is. I refused to let this accident define who I was. Rather, I was bound and damn determined to find myself again. I was not ever depressed or in denial about being depressed. I was , however, in a state of shock. I was uninspired.
I am a very fortanute human being. I have been blessed with the ability to love wholeheartedly and passionately. One of, what I like to refer to, as my many talents. It is different each time and to my knowledge, it is not need based. I don't need to be loved, I don't need to anyone to love me. I want to love that way, it is only my hope that it will be returned. I don't seek and I won't ask. There is no fine line, I'll save the semantics for another chapter, on another day. The downside, however, of this beautiful curse is that I wasn't fully able to love myself. I dangerously and too quickly threw myself into a relationship that was doomed to Hell from the start. I was vulnerable and I was alone. I didn't really see what I had to lose, I was blind to what was right in front of my eyes. On that note, I was too stubborn to succumb to the truth. Because in that , knowing the truth, it would be the end. I poured out everything I had to give, which come to find out, wasn't much. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, not even close. But I was head under feet in love. Didn't that count for something? No. The handwriting had been on the wall the whole time. That was it. My time had reached the end of the rope. After all, I should have been devestated. Tears should have flooded the very room I was sitting in. I spared myself a good cry. It took a good second or three, but I was relieved. I could see the sun setting through the windows. The sky was a beautiful canvas of both pink and orange. The day was fading away, off into a tomorrow that didn't even know it existed. Yet there I sat with light shoulders and weary heart, waiting to decide on a new future. It was over, all of it. Finally, he freed me so I could move on. I've been trying every since.
As for my mom, I miss her so much sometimes that it hurts. Death has surrounded me, not only me, but the very beings I love so desperately have suffered a similar hurt as well. They also, have endured the same wrath of death I have. I won't say it seems so unfair, thats foolish. It is unfair, bottom line. It makes me angry. I don't understand the purpose of taking some life in such agony and then creating life so beautifully. I still believe in my God , though. Therefore, I won't question His motives. I'll just rest comforted by the promise that I will see each of those loved ones again. I will always be a better person because they lived. I told an elder , today in fact, that lately I have really been missing my mother. She told me there was nothing I could do about that. Those were my grandmothers words piercing through me. Just slightly over five foot tall with tired wrinkles and gray hair, she is still the most beautiful woman I will have ever known. I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but I would never ever even entertain the thought of crossing her. It was probably that very second, that for the first time, I saw the tears in her own eyes as she fears the inevitable coming of her own death. I can't be sure if it is actually death she is so afraid of or life for her family after the fact. But there is life, a lot of it. It will be beautiful and I can only speak for myself, I will stand courageous because she was once a part of it.
I have wasted too much time on trivial matters. It was a Sunday when I looked off into the sunset with a delighting amount of relief, regaining inspiration. More than ever, I'm ready to leave the humid summers and ridiculously cold winters of Arkansas to trade in for a different horizon in California. I will cry , with passion, when I have to leave my family. It won't be easy. If I were being honest, somedays I want throw in the towel and say this is it, just stay here and take it for what it is. But I can't and I won't. Because I am made for something so much bigger, I can love so much more than this God forsaken place will ever allow. I am special and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I love myself . That's so cool!
In a short span of 12 months I lost family, I lost my first love, I lost my inspiration, my passion. my coying desires. In the end, it worked out in my favor. I found me.
It's a crazy beautiful ridiculous mess.
